Thursday, 8 March 2012
Girls Story
"The cold was so intense that the ground beneath her feet every step
she took her feet were colder then ever before. She came from California and
she lived there all of her life untill a month ago so she wasn’t used to this
bone chilling cold. She didn’t like this freezing cold and wanted to go back to
where she’s from but they had to move to Toronto because her dad found a job in
Toronto. The ground was so cold that you couldn’t stand there for very long,
even if you had shoes on because your shoes would be frozen and you wouldn’t
walk, because you would be able to feel your feet. She didn’t care because she
knew she wouldn’t get sick and everyone just looked at her like she has three
heads. The ground was so cold that it was frozen it wasn’t so much that it was little
frozen and you could take it, this was all white not from snow it was just so
cold that the ground totally froze so i t was like ice for as long as you can
see. She was alone on he the streets lost, freezing cold and starving to death
and she couldn’t see anyone. She sat there and waited for someone to come to
pick her up but she knew that anyone wasn’t going to pick her up because no one
knew that she left. "Hello" mom"? "Dad"? Im starting
to open my eyes ad i see my parents "what happened"? you went into a
coma. "But what just happened wasnt real?" Not it wasnt. then I woke
up from my coma.
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What a suspense filled story. VEry well done. i would love to see you use paragraphs more so that your readers find transitions to ideas and perspectives easier. Consider it for next time.
ReplyDeletealso, think of a more creative title.
ReplyDelete